Setting Up Shop Online

How NOT to Succeed in E-Business

Customers--who needs 'em? Always asking troublesome questions, demanding service, complaining. Phooey! Here's how to make sure your Web site will drive away even the hardiest consumer.

1. Put Customers to Work

Design your site so it's hard to use. Bury your contact information so finding you is difficult. And whatever you do, don't include a phone number.

2. Use the Seat of Your Pants

E-commerce is unique, so don't bother developing a business plan. Instead, do whatever feels good, and don't worry about it.

3. Make Your Store Fancy

Add whirling GIFs, gyrating buttons, flashing banners, and 3D pictures. Punish customers who have slow modems by making them wait 20 minutes for your page to load.

4. Get Back to Buyers Later

Don't be concerned if you can't answer a question right away. In fact, checking e-mail more than once a week probably constitutes overkill.

5. Keep to Yourself

Forget about checking out the competition. Other sites don't offer anything of value, and goodness knows, your site's already perfect.

6. Minimize Marketing

You've plunked down your wares and opened your doors, so relax. Don't register with search engines or add metatags to your site.

7. Ignore Reports

People visit your site, but few get past the front page. Even so, don't track page views or click patterns. Most statistics are way too complex anyway.

8. Maintenance Schmaintenance

There's no reason to make sure that your site is up-to-date. You've got better things to do--like file for bankruptcy.