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Miscellaneous Mental Gymnastics

• Free Spider

If you are so far gone that neither calming fantasies nor fulsome graphics--nor even random, mindless violence--will bring peace to your tattered soul, there is always...solitaire. But not Windows solitaire. That is an unimaginative and undeserving soul enslaver. No, you need the heavy stuff: Free Spider. It may look a lot like solitaire, and a passerby may in fact ask if you're playing that game. (You should reply in the negative, because, as we know, solitaire is for losers.) Spider differs from standard solitaire in that it has five versions, each with its own rules and card arrangements. Each layout has 9,999,999,999,999 possible variations, so you shouldn't find yourself repeating the same game. If you do, it's time for professional help.

• Sharpshooter's Miniature Golf

When I was about eight, I played miniature golf for the first time. I was blown away. This was so much more clever than real golf. At that moment, I decided I would grow up to design miniature golf courses that would cause grown men to collapse on the ground in tears. Imagine my chagrin when I couldn't find an Ivy League college offering a degree in miniature-golf course design.

I take this personal detour to emphasize that you should never give up on your dreams, no matter how unlikely--or stupid--they may be. There could always be a Sharpshooter's Miniature Golf in your future. Up to four people can play this 3D course, where slopes, pinball bumpers, and conveyor belts all react with your ball, according to the laws of physics. Warp zones react according to the laws of Star Trek. That's all well and good, but what's really important is that you can use the obstacles and greens to create your own course. The only limit to what you can do is the mercy in your heart. You can even change the MIDI music file that plays in the background. I think I'll make it "The Ride of the Valkyries."