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Miley Cyrus Quits Twitter, World Ends

miley cyrus
Cyrus at 2009 Inauguration concert - U.S. Department of Defense Photo
In what's certain to become the most devastating news your 8-year-old daughter has heard in her short life, Miley Cyrus has ... gasp! ... quit Twitter. Details on the pop star's last-minute ditch are scarce, but celebrity blogs are scrambling to fill in the blanks, seating most of the blame with Cyrus' male love interest. Or something.

Cyrus was considered prolific and "interesting" among the Twitter crowd, and heartbroken fans -- in between bouts of hysterical sobbing and hair-tugging desperation -- have created a very special tag: #mileycomeback. Not surprisingly, it's trending well today on Twitter, and is, quite possibly, the most exciting news of 2009.

To add to the death knell, here are five other loudmouthed celebrities who should consider taking a page from Cyrus' book:

Ashton Kutcher

Kutcher, the world's most popular Twitter dude, has nothing to say. Like many tweets,

kutcher
Kutcher's contributions to the hiss of Internet white noise barely provoke a quasi-interested "huh." Is that supposed to be funny? Is he supposed to be funny? Hard to tell.

Glenn Beck

Picking Beck out of a lineup betrays my political sensibilities, I fear, but seriously, this guy is a ridiculous blowhard. Never before in my life have I craved the warm embrace of deafness, but as soon as Beck opens his mouth or puts fingers to keyboard, I most certainly do.

Fans of Twilight

Lord, I can't wait until this movie series is over. The Fans of Twilight feed is a bunch of gushing teenybops clinging to waifs of plot and characterization as though Stephenie Meyer had rewritten the Bible replete with more emo-posturing and vampire sex. A brief glimpse of this feed's obsessive "insight" into the Twilight series is enough to make you slap on some eyeliner and hate your tyrannical father.

Mark Cuban

Rich pe

Mark Cuban
Photograph: Doug Hopfer
ople are awesome, especially when they pontificate about how rich they are.

Cuban, one of PC World's honorary blowhards, blabs with regularity about aspects of fancy livin' you'll never touch. Money, sports, tech, all communicated in hyper-masculine bravado, all pretty much extraneous.

Ryan Seacrest

Is there really anything else to add? This guy is annoying. And everywhere. It's awful.

I was going to add professional train wreck Courtney Love to the list, but apparently her Twitter account has been shut down. Perhaps it has something to do with her libelous, nearly indecipherable rants.

Besides the love of a hot young man, there are multiple reasons why a celebrity would quit using a social networking service like Twitter. First, there are psychotics out there, hell-bent on destroying reputations with misbegotten words. That is why Twitter introduced Verified Accounts -- so you know the brainless celeb you're reading is actually, wow, that dumb, and not some jerk pretending to wear famous pants. Then there exists the risk of overexposure and jumping the shark. There are only so many 140-character blasts of nothing one can endure before the walls of one's cranium begin to bleed ennui. Whatever Cyrus' reasoning may be, Twitter will certainly never be the same again, and by "never" I mean we'll forget about this in 20 or so minutes.

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