God bless the Internet. Where else can you assume a fake identity, pose the most inane question imaginable--like "Why can't I see my reflection in the mirror on a television?"--and then sit back and watch the answers pour in?
Crowd-source advice sites like Yahoo Answers have become a bit of a magnet for the maladjusted. Sure, there are plenty of average Joes just looking for ordinary information. But among the sites' many mundane queries, there's a sea of jaw-droppingly dumb discussions guaranteed to amaze and entertain.
I spent some time surfing through Yahoo Answers to find the worst of the worst, and boy did I find it. The spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all as found in the original queries--because why put lipstick on a dodo?
So let's take a look at the vital questions of our time, as posed by some of the deepest thinkers out there, along with the best answers I could come up with...
"I sold my only car to help pay for gas money, but now gas has come down in price. How do I get my car back?"
I tried to contact this guy, but it turns out that he also sold his computer to help pay for his Internet connection.
"HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPSLOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF."
Note to self: Register howtoturnoffcapslock.com; make millions.
"I wanted to see if my computer would read my credit card so i put it in the cd rom and it got stuck, how do i get it out?? I tryed toothpics but lost them in the process?? also the drive is making noises"
Oh, that's normal. Your system is just waiting for you to pay the required $1 processing fee for scanning the card. Simply fold a greenback into a tiny square and insert it into any USB port.
"My mouse stop working every time i lift it up from the table why is this? this is not just OS .i have linux and vista both same thing so its not drivers"
Yeah, no big deal there, either: Insert your credit card into the CD-ROM drive and tell your computer--slowly and distinctly--that you need the Air Mouse 3000 upgrade. You'll be good in no time.
"I've been asked to write an application in my own handwriting....? is there a computer programme that will do this for me? they also want original ideas. do you know any?"
This reminds me of a letter to the editor I once read years ago: "Are there any undiscovered islands left in the world?" The response: "Not that we know of."
"I have an assignment about computer.. What is unimportant details about computer?"
Wait a minute--does this assignment also require original ideas?
"Am i married in any state? have i been divorced?"
I'll take "questions asked after a night in Vegas" for $500, Alex.
"Where can i buy a really big jar of peanut butter?"
If this is from the same guy who asked the previous question, I'm getting concerned.
9. Fruit Frets
"I have ate two whole tangerines in about two hours what will happen to me?"
That all depends on whether you swallowed any seeds. If you did, be very careful not to eat any dirt or drink any water for the next two weeks.
10. Fat Chance
"How do i become obese fast? I want to look good by the end of the year."
You can start by eating two tangerines in two hours. Then run around in circles until you figure out what "obese" means.
Next: Ten more mind-bending questions, including whatever happened to the horned Arizona cantaloupe, where do babies come from, and what is the relationship between turtle bites and orange juice.