Web Browsers, Web Sites
Euphemism #1
Error message: “401: Unauthorized”
Translation: The Website you’re trying to access wants to be paid. Otherwise, no dice.
Euphemism #2
Error message: “The Website you are trying to access is not a trusted site. Do you want to continue?”
Translation: Hey there: takin' a walk on the wild side tonight, huh buddy? OK, stop and think. You don't want to catch something down here do you? Probably better to just turn your browser around and head back to the suburbs.”
Euphemism #3
Error message: "408 Request Timeout"
Translation: The server you’re petitioning has become bored with your long-winded request and will no longer talk to you.
Euphemism #4
Warning message: “A plug-in is required to view this content."
Translation: Our Website is so special that you have to stop what you are doing and install some special software to fully experience it.
Euphemism #5
Error message: "Our online app has failed to launch. Please check to make sure browser plug-in X is up-to-date."
Translation: Our crack coders still haven't figured out how to make our app work on anything other than Firefox 3.5.102 running under Ubuntu. But maybe if we can convince you it's your fault, we can still get our next round of funding.
Euphemism #6
Warning message [NetNanny]: "You are not allowed to access this Website."
Translation: Your mom doesn’t want you gambling, looking at porn, cyberbullying, spying, shopping, flirting, blackmailing, or chatting with prison inmates at this site.
Printers
Euphemism #1
Message: “PC LOAD LETTER”
Translation: I'll be needing some paper to get cracking on that print job, ace.
Euphemism #2
Warning message: “The following ink may have run out. Replacing the ink tank is recommended.”
Translation: Sure we know the tank’s still half full of ink, but why put off ‘til tomorrow what you can do today? Besides, you may have noticed that the longer you use a tank of ink, the less often we get to sell you a new one--and basically, if we could convince you to replace your ink cartridges every week, we would.
Euphemism #3
Warning message: "We recommend that you use genuine [insert printer brand here] ink cartridges. The use of other products may affect your print quality and could result in printer damage.”
Translation: We didn't sell you the printer at cost just to see you go elsewhere for replacement ink. The profit is in the ink--our ink! So don't even think about stepping out on us.
Xbox
Euphemism #1
Error message: "System Error: Contact Xbox Customer Support."
Translation: Game over.
Euphemism #2
Error message [Xbox Live Marketplace]: "The download could not be completed. Please try again later. Any points you used for this transaction have already been deducted from your balance and will not be deducted again."
Translation: Our downloads are sorta hit and miss. But don’t give up: Try again later--who knows, you might get lucky. Either way, we get paid.
iTunes
Euphemism #1
Error message: "Attempting to copy to the disk 'iPod name' failed. The disk could not be read from or written to."
Translation: That device was not made by Apple; therefore, we decline to communicate with it. We suggest that you join the rest of the human race and buy yourself an iPod.
Euphemism #2
Error message: “This computer is not authorized to play 'Billie Jean'. Would you like to authorize it?”
Translation: You are trying to play a file that some other iTunes user bought from us. If you want to hear this song, stop being so cheap and go buy your own copy from the iTunes store.
YouTube
Warning message: "The video you are requesting is currently unavailable."
Translation: The owner of the copyright on the video you want to watch wants to be paid. No free lunch, Charlie. If you are the owner of the video, well, it may be time to “lawyer up.”
Software
Warning message: "The licensing subsystem has failed catastrophically. You must reinstall or call customer support."
Translation: You don’t really own this software, do you?
IM
Status message: “marksullPCW is idle.”
Translation: Mark Sullivan is watching TV, sleeping, or gazing out the window, or has left the building. One thing’s for sure--he ain't working.
Contributing authors: Steven Gray,Tim Moynihan, Jason Cross, Patrick Miller, Ed Albro, and Steve Fox, all of PCWorld. Special thanks to Dave Greenbaum of DoctorDave Computer Repair in Lawrence, Kansas for providing several funny "tech euphemisms."
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