The Macalope Weekly: Mass Hysteria!

Hang on to your hats! The Macalope agrees with a silly pundit! What's next? Adobe and Apple sleeping together?! No, that at least hasn't changed. And, never fear, the universal constant--that people will always say dumb things about Apple--is still soundly in place.

Not yet, anyway

As much as the Macalope loves him some iPad and hates him some netbook, he has a hard time believing reports that the iPad is causing a slowdown in netbook sales. This puts him in the unenviable position of agreeing with Paul Thurrott and, while it's not unusual for an ungulate to throw up into its mouth, the Macalope prefers to save that skill for rumination, not for making himself sick.

Thurrott, of course, throws in the obligatory "Apple = religion" references that are the staple of those congenitally disposed to not understand the company. But his basic point--that people are eschewing netbooks for laptops and the iPad can't have had much effect yet--is probably right.

Aaaand, here comes the Macalope's breakfast again.

Mmm. Alfalfa.

Nobody likes a tattle tale

Another week, another long string of events added to the Flash/iPhone OS saga.

Over at the Macalope's old stomping grounds, CNet's Erica Ogg has a pretty good overview if you're flipping over from the Lakers game, although the horny one found this a little naive:

Regulators usually like to get out in front of these things, asking questions now, looking at potential future issues before it's too late.

Right. Particularly if someone who just had the door slammed in their face whines about it to them (Erica misses the rather salient detail that the inquiry apparently comes at the request of Adobe). Our very alert regulators were apparently on a smoking break when the banking industry started to collapse. But they're back now! Time to roll up their sleeves and decide whether the company with the 16 percent share of the smartphone market and five percent share of the mobile phone market is misusing its monopoly power!

Wait, what?

EVIL!

Thank God for Wired's Brian X. Chen, without whom we would not know what 5 Things Apple Must Do to Look Less Evil. That's quite the title. Not only does it assume Apple's evil, it presumes to dictate what the company "must" do (the Macalope has long loved a good "Apple must" construction).

So, lay it on the Macalope, Brian. Bring on the evil!

Publish App Store Rules

Yes! Apple should do that! That would be great. But is that evil, not publishing App Store rules? Kinda jerky, maybe. Certainly overly convenient for Apple, since it means it can do whatever it wants. But it's not exactly up there with the Killing Fields.

Formalize Relationships With Publishers

Gosh, yes. We wouldn't want Apple to accidentally hit any of the publishers on the head with the life preserver it's throwing them.

Tweak iPhone Developer Agreement

Chen suggests Apple remove the restriction that apps developed with their SDK can only be distributed through the App Store. And maybe the company should do that. But it's not like it's going to make any real difference. The vast majority of iPhone and iPad app downloads are going to continue to be through the App Store. Go read the requirements for a Wii developer then come back and tell the Macalope again how Apple's the "evil" one.

Apologize to Jason Chen

Right. Look, the Macalope's not really a fan of police kicking in doors for stuff like this, but is Brian suggesting Steve Jobs dictated the level of force used? "Bust his door down and go in there and do that thing where you 'accidentally' knock over some lamps and stuff until he tells you what you want to know. Ha-ha! I love that!" The horny one thinks Brian's tinfoil hat might be a little bit too tight if that's how he thinks it went down.

Let's run through this sequence of events again: Apple loses an iPhone prototype or has it stolen. Gizmodo buys it for $5,000, which is a crime in California. Apple asks the police to look into it and they decide to bust down Jason Chen's door.

And Apple, the victim, is supposed to apologize to Chen, the trafficker in the property of others?

Please.

Get Gray Powell On Stage

Here Chen envisions a Daily Show-esque comedy skit featuring Steve Jobs and Gray Powell, the Apple engineer whose iPhone prototype was misappropriated.

Chen doesn't specify what the supposed "evil" is that's being corrected here. Powell seems to be still gainfully employed--none the worse for the embarrassment caused not by Apple, the Macalope notes, but by Gizmodo. But apparently that's not enough--now Apple has to start performing comedy routines and dance like a monkey for Chen's pleasure. Hey, why don't we turn all of Apple's human resource issues into skits and put them on for the public?! That's the only way to be sure the company isn't evil.

So, according to Chen, lacking a sense of humor is "evil." The Macalope hopes the World Court doesn't adopt the same definition or there are going to be a lot of really ridiculous extraditions.

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