Santa Claus Placed On Watchlist As Possible Terrorist
Time and again, we've seen innocent people or peace groups improperly spied upon and added to terrorist watchlists. Well you won't believe who was placed on a watchlist this time -- Santa Claus! After St. Nick balked at a TSA grope down, authorities took him in for questioning regarding possible terrorist activities.
Mrs. Claus explained, "After Walmart shoppers were encouraged by DHS in-store videos to report suspicious activity, names on the naughty list skyrocketed and it crashed the North Pole Naughty or Nice database. Since the flood of "bad people" names originated in America, and the Obama administration received a grade of "D" in civil liberties, and then hundreds of naked body scans images were leaked, Santa felt compelled to travel to the U.S. for a fact finding mission. Flying commercial also would give him a first-hand look at if the TSA 'don't touch my junk' was true. He'd even heard the ACLU report that some people were afraid to submit complaints directly to the TSA because they were scared of being put on a watchlist or otherwise retaliated against by the government. Santa wanted to know what was happening to America."
It's unclear what flagged Santa for the "Do Not Fly" list, whether it was a typo in the SAR nationwide database that connects the dots of suspicious activity to find terrorists, or because Santa Claus has so many aliases -- Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle. One thing that is clear: his twinkly eyes and cheery facade of goodwill are suspicious.
Although Santa says he's making a list and checking it twice, watching to see who is naughty or nice, a counter-terrorist authority who wishes to remain anonymous disclosed that the Grinch has long complained that Santa Claus is the one to watch.
NORAD confirmed that Santa violates U.S. airspace one night every year while being loaded down with unclaimed packages -- including printer cartridges and containers with liquid substances such as highly suspicious snow globes. The breach happens while Claus, who does not have a valid pilot's license, flies an unregistered sleigh at tremendous speeds. He lands and takes off all over the world without asking air traffic control for permission.
A DoD official who didn't want to end up on the naughty list told this reporter that they didn't want to shoot Santa Claus down, but they would if they had to. After all, Claus had delivered USBs to members in the military in past years when peripherals were banned. A leaked cable in Santagate confirms that Santa's intent was to distribute goods. Another secret missive allegedly claimed that a North Korean official had potentially asked Santa for even more uranium to enrich its main nuclear complex. Santa refuted that claim and pleaded the Fifth as to if he intended to deliver a USB loaded with Stuxnet to a good little spy again this year .
When Santa was taken into CTU for questioning by Jack Bauer, rumors flew; banks were considering freezing Santa's accounts and anonymous elves were lock-n-loading their LOIC weapons for a DDoS attack. Mrs. Claus pleaded for everyone to remember Santa's motto of peace on earth and goodwill to men.
Bauer could not be reached for a comment as to why he released Santa.
"Not everyone is naughty and deserves a lump of coal simply because another person reports them as suspicious," Santa cautioned. "Most people are nice--even if their appearance is slightly different--and don't deserve their privacy or civil liberties to be decimated."
An elf and a team of eight flying reindeer waited, so Santa could skip the TSA this time. Santa hopped into his sleigh. Then he waved and laughed as his belly shook like a bowl full of cherries. "Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"