Stop the presses: After decades of anticipation, the white iPhone has finally arrived. Here in Cringeville you could cut the excitement with a knife.
I mean a butter knife -- a plastic one. Or maybe just a spork.
If someone out there can explain why this makes a damned bit of difference to any sane human, I'm all ears. (Though the lads at eSarcasm say now that the iPhone is white, people may finally stop asking if it's truly an American citizen.)
The excitement over a slight change in casing materials proves just how far around the bend Apple fanboys are. Apple really isn't all that far behind them on the looney-tunes scale, either. Catch senior veep Phil Schiller gushing over this thing like it's Scarlett Friggin' Johansson:
The white iPhone 4 has finally arrived and it's beautiful.... We appreciate everyone who has waited patiently while we've worked to get every detail right.
Steve Jobs's reality distortion field may have finally ruptured the starboard nacelles and caused a plasma core breach.
Want another example? Along with the news of the Highly Caucasian Miracle Phone, Apple also finally released a statement ("Apple Q&A on Location Data") concerning the brouhaha that erupted over the iPhone's alleged location tracking. And what a statement it is -- contempt oozes from virtually every paragraph. Like this one:
Providing mobile users with fast and accurate location information while preserving their security and privacy has raised some very complex technical issues which are hard to communicate in a soundbite. Users are confused, partly because the creators of this new technology (including Apple) have not provided enough education about these issues to date.
See? Apple isn't evil; you're just stupid. Here, let us educate you about how wonderful we are and how we truly care about your privacy, so long as it doesn't upset our business model.