Seen on a chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
And you thought the wristwatch was bad.
Seen on a Nintendo GameCube instruction booklet: "Do not attempt to stick head inside deck, which may result in injury."
Potential injury be damned -- that Princess Zelda looks fine from up close.
Seen on a Sony Ericsson cell phone: "Be careful of bad language on this mobile phone, because a partner’s feeling is going to be bad."
Also watch for inappropriate gestures. Seriously, that phone is a jerk.
Seen on an electric thermometer's instruction sheet: "Do not use orally after using rectally."
Unless, you know, you're just into that sort of thing.
Seen on the instructions for a cordless phone: "Do not put lit candles on phone."
Especially if you're planning to put said phone down your pants.
Seen on a Boeing 757 plane: "Fragile. Do not drop."
That means you, Ah-nold.
Seen on the Styrofoam packaging inside a stereo box: "Do not eat."
What do you think this is, an iPod or something?
Seen on materials for a Sony Vaio computer: "Warning! Disconnect telephone lines before opening!"
Shut the blinds, too! And if anyone knocks on the front door, run, damn it! RUN!
Seen on materials for a Pentium processing chip: "If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97."
Total shipping costs may vary based upon manufacturer stupidity.
Seen on a TV remote control: "Not dishwasher safe."
Well, duh -- everyone knows you have to bring those things in the tub with you to wash them.
Seen on an electric rotary tool: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill or in medical applications."
I am so reporting my endodontist.
Seen on a CD player: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
And don't even think about throwing it at your dentist.
Seen on a microscope: "Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear."
Also a popular mantra with women around the world.
Seen on materials for Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000: "Warning! This program should not be used in flight training! Death or serious injury could result!"
Silly airlines. Now put down that box and get back to making passengers' lives miserable.