Remember that dopey guy in high school, the one who spent April Fool's Day squirting disappearing ink on your white shirt? Or sprinkling itching powder down your back? Well, kids, I'm still around. Only now I'm doling out April Fool's computer jokes, which, like itching powder, still have absolutely no redeeming value. (The amazing difference is, someone's actually paying me to do it. Cool, no?)

Before you start, though, I've got to add a few disclaimers. First, these gags won't harm your PC, and none contain viruses, worms, Trojan horses, or other malevolent code.

On the other hand, some jokes are so realistic that your target's antiperspirant will get a thorough workout. My advice? Leave your boss, spouse, and IS team alone. Instead, get even with that humorless bootlicker down the hall who always upstages you at meetings. Or if you're in a home office, torment your bratty teenage son, who is always in a bad mood anyway.

Okay, folks, let's have some fun.

Fake Delete Prank: This one is a classic and a heart-stopper, even if you know it's a fake. A dialog box pops up and benignly asks, "Are you sure you want to remove the folder C:\Windows and move the contents to the Recycle Bin?" Clicking No is meaningless because the simulation begins anyway. Want to stop it? Sorry, you can't. The best way to use this is to stick the program into your patsy's StartUp folder. Then stand back and get ready to perform CPR. Warning: This isn't a good prank to try on your spouse's PC. Trust me. The Fix: When human resources asks, just plead temporary insanity.

Fake Format: So you enjoyed the Fake Delete gag? Cool. Wait a day, try this puppy, and watch the look on your pal's face. Oh, yeah--do try your best to avoid those pesky folks at human resources.

Slippery Mouse: Load this program and watch the mouse pointer slip, slide, and accelerate across the screen. The Fix: Carefully spend 10 minutes moving the pointer until you get it over the program icon in the taskbar. Right-click and close the program.

BogusPing: Do you have nerdy kids around the house, or a geeky noodge in your IS department? BogusPing is perfect because it'll drive 'em crazy. When they type Ping from DOS or the Windows Run command, the screen looks normal. But once they try pinging an IP address, they get this message: "The number you have reached is not in service or is unavailable. If you think you've reached this message in error, please hang up and try the number again."

Avoid: It's late in the day and your buddy is dozing. It's the perfect time to launch Avoid. Every time your pal tries to click on the Start button, it jumps away. The Fix: Move the mouse pointer to the top-left corner of the screen, and a window will display to let you know the program has closed.

Windows CSRS Service Prank: Try to find a target with tons of software on their system. Stick this into the StartUp folder so that it runs when your friend's PC boots. A message, allegedly from Microsoft, explains that the Computer Software Relations Server has discovered files that have been pirated and are on the PC illegally. Frightening for some people (and you know just the right ones to pick on), but totally harmless.

Password Prank: Don't you hate it when you can't remember your password? Password Prank does a number on your buddies by denying them access to their PC. No matter what they type, the same disconcerting word appears in the password field of the dialog box. The Fix: Click the close button after you have entered a password.

Fake Start Menu 95: A consultant's dream, because it brings in new business! Run this program on a target's system, walk away, and watch how the Start button has stopped responding to the system. (Kinda like a typical day with Windows....) The Fix: Click the Start button and immediately type the letter R and then the letter J. (This file works on more-current versions of Windows too.)

Start Moving: This gag makes the Start button move across the taskbar. Ideal for your annoying teenager, the one who seems to know more about PCs than you could ever possibly know. The Fix: The Start button returns automatically to its original place when you either resize the taskbar, restart Windows, or return the Start button to its original place manually.

Typewriter: Install this sweetie onto someone's PC, and every time a key is hit everyone will hear the racket of a typewriter from the PC's speakers. With a press of the Return key, you'll hear the familiar ratchet-and-ring sound. The only thing missing? A sheet of carbon paper. The Fix: Uninstall the program and go back to the dull, monotonous sounds of your PC.

Had enough? Okay, go try a couple of these and send human resources my regards.

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