Telemarketer. Just say the word and my knickers get all twisted. It doesn't matter if it's while I'm having dinner or watching TV--or yes, even on deadline--it really ticks me off when a telemarketer calls with a dumb-ass pitch. (My, that felt good.)

Telemarketers Beware

I did a column a few years ago that explained how just hanging up is absolutely useless. And so is turning the tables and firing back stupid questions: "How am I? I was fired today, I totaled the car, and my rent check bounced, thanks. And you?"

But there are things one can do to stop the incessant calls, all perfectly legal--and lots of fun, to boot. You can read about my gleeful experience in "I Declare War on Telemarketers." Now don't get huffy (like my editor did) and kvetch because the column's old. The tricks still work; I use them regularly.

You might not have time to read the article, so here's the gist of it: When a telemarketer calls, tell them you want to be put on a no-call list. It's sometimes that simple. But jerk that I am, I want to make sure they really do it--and waste their time while I'm at it. So I whip open Enigma, a free program that tells me what to ask when a telemarketer calls, things that make them tremble because they realize you know the law. Enigma lets you note their response, keep track of who you talked with, and when they called.

Dig this: Have you ever tried to figure out art? The following is guaranteed to leave you baffled but highly amused. Start at the main page. Click on one of the links in the center, or choose one from the right. One of my favorites is p-Soup; another is FEED, "streaming non-content" commissioned by the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art for its digital media exhibition called 010101. Note: If you're at work, it's best to play with these things when your boss is in a meeting.

Telemarketer-Foiling Hardware

I've been using the TeleZapper, a $50 electronic gadget from Privacy Technologies that appears to confuse the dickens out of automatic dialers, the favorite tool of telemarketers. I plugged the device into an available telephone jack. When I pick up the phone to answer a call, the TeleZapper lets loose with a tone that tells the predictive dialer that my number's disconnected. The rationale is that as more telemarketers discover your phone number's been disconnected, you'll get fewer calls.

Tests at Bass International Labs indicate that the TeleZapper seems to be working. The number of "Hi, you've won a trip to Florida" calls have dropped substantially in the last month.

There are other gizmos that help stop telemarketers from calling, such as a device that forces callers to press "1" before the call gets through. Amerishop also has a device--one I haven't tried--that sends a false signal to predictive dialers. Check out the company's site and listen to a sample of the sound that the device uses to reproduce the "disconnected" tone. If you're feeling particularly devious, you can download the .wav file and play it into the handset whenever you answer your phone.

Dig this: Does anyone know what time it really is? I didn't think so. (And don't furrow your brow--this isn't a trick question.) The Industrious Web site has the straight skinny on time, with a unique and amusing way of showing the year, month, day, hour, and all the minutes.

For More Information

The Federal Trade Commission's valuable "Who Must Comply With the Telemarketing Sales Rule?" is enlightening reading. And you can find out more about the delightful proposed National "Do Not Call" Registry.

If you really want to boot telemarketers and protect your privacy, you need to swing by the Privacy Rights Clearinghouse. It's a tremendous resource that includes links to topics such as identity theft, financial and Internet privacy, and spam.

BTW, if you do buy something from a telemarketer, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you about single-use credit card numbers. Instead of using your regular credit card number, you generate one on the fly that's good for a set amount and a specific length of time. You can see what mine looks like online. But not all credit card companies and banks offer this service; read my "Wily Tricks to Thwart E-Thieves" for more details.

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