I Declare War on Telemarketers

"Hi, this is Stan. How are you today?" Oh, jeez, another intrusive telemarketer calling, shattering a brilliant thought. (Now where was I?)

"I'm terrific," I responded. "Can you hold a sec?" With a home phone and two business lines, I'm inundated with these calls. But this time, instead of following my usual modus operandi--saying something obscene in COBOL and hanging up--I turned to my PC and loaded Enigma. This slick program helps me thwart telemarketers and keep them from calling back. Best of all, it's free.

"What's the name of the company you're calling for?" I asked, reading from the monitor (and ignoring the mangled prose).

"San Gabriel Register," he said cheerfully. (Yep, I made up that name to protect the obnoxious telemarketer and keep me out of court.)

"Cool," I said supportively. "Could you please tell me your full name, Stan?"

Pause.

"Don't be shy," I prompted, a grin on my face. This was going to be fun.

"Did you know," I added, "the Federal Trade Commission says that a person or entity making a telephone solicitation must provide the full name..."

"Stan Schmendrick," he interrupted.

"Thanks, Stan," I said. "You realize that telemarketers have to keep and maintain a 'Do not call' list? And they can't call again for ten years?"

I stifled a giggle. See, just hanging up on the guy would get me nowhere. But with Enigma on my PC, I felt like the Telemarketer Terminator. The program prompts me with eight precise questions based on the Telephone Consumer Protection Act, along with the text of the law. I ask each question, wait for the telemarketer to squirm, fill in the response, and keep a log. Simple. And I swear, it works.

"Can you wait a minute?" asked Stan, sounding like he'd swallowed his toothpick. I heard his headset hit the desk.

It gets better. If the company calls again within 12 months, you can sue for up to $500 per violation. Nice.They must have a "don't call" written policy (no? the fine could be a whopping $10,000), and then the FTC may hit them for another somewhat paltry $500 if they don't send you a copy. Fun, huh?

The entire regulation is on the FTC site. Better, visit the exhaustive Karen's Koncepts Anti-Telemarketer & Anti-Spam Page. You can grab a copy of Enigma at www.verinet.com/~geoff/Enigma or from FileWorld (see link at right).

Stan's supervisor came on the line. She took my number and promised not to call again (for ten years, pal).