5 Things iPhone 2.0 Must Have

Dear Steve:

I realize we've had our differences over the years. I warned you about shipping iPods with nonreplaceable batteries, we bickered over releasing Leopard with so many bugs, and I've never been a fan of the black turtleneck. (Here's a tip: Head & Shoulders--use it.)

Now I'd like to talk to you about the iPhone. Yes, I know, you just released the software development kit unto the world, and the praise is flowing like champagne in the back of a stretch limo. But some things software can't fix. And your developer fanboys might be able to address certain other flaws, but those tweaks should really be part of the OS.

Here are five things you need to improve in iPhone 2.0, whenever you get around to releasing it. (In my humble opinion, of course.)

1. Enlarge the Friggin' Keyboard

Yeah, the touch screen is cool. And maybe the kids are down with doing the two-finger tango. But we thumb-typists are tapping our fingers in frustration.

This doesn't strike me as a big deal to fix. Maybe one of your SDK minions will jump on it. In the meantime, may I recommend a slide-out keyboard option? The one that HTC built for the AT&T Tilt is pretty nifty (though the keyboard and the "tilting" screen are the only things that are neat about it). Even an add-on Bluetooth keyboard might work.

Think about it.

2. Give Me Faster Net Access

Since AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson said that you'd be shipping a 3G iPhone this year, I've been dying to know when. So spill. I don't need the exact day--the month, even the quarter, would be nice.

We all know that iPhones use AT&T's notoriously finicky EDGE network, which averaged download speeds of around 110 kbps in tests by Broadband Reports, or a fraction of the 400 to 700 kbps that most folks get with, say, Sprint's EvDO network. Yes, 3G radios suck down battery power the way Lindsay Lohan sucks down margaritas. Given Apple's spotty record with the iPod's batteries, I understand your concern. But the Samsung BlackJack and the LG Voyager do 3G, and you don't hear a lot of people whining about their battery life.

It's also true that using the iPhone's built in Wi-Fi is even faster than using 3G. But when I'm inside a Wi-Fi cloud, I'm usually surfing the Net on my laptop. I need fast Internet access when I'm not at home, at work, or in a hotel room. Build us a free nationwide Wi-Fi network, Steve, and I'll be happy to use it.

For now, your phones need a new radio and a bigger battery to support it--something your SDK fanboys can't handle. I'm betting that iPhone 1.0 owners won't be pleased to find out they'll have to buy a whole new phone to get 3G. Some of them might even write you strongly worded letters.

3. Locate a GPS Chip

It's the next must-have feature for cell phones, even if it is a little creepy. But the fact that the iPhone has a groovy Maps app--but no GPS chip inside--is almost weird.

Yes, the iPhone can now triangulate the user's position through Wi-Fi and cell towers, thanks to a firmware upgrade last January. And if all folks care about is being within a half mile of the actual destination, that's fine. But if people want to track their buddies using services such as Loopt, they have to buy a GPS phone from Sprint/Nextel--and that's just wrong.

GPS can open up a whole new world of surveillance options for interested parties, and we know you believe the black helicopters are already following you at night. But those choppers belong to Steve Ballmer, and he's really just looking for Larry Page's house.

The rumor mill says GPS will be part of the longed-for-but-still-theoretical 3G iPhone. Let's hope so.

4. Richer Multimedia Tools, Please

You put the "pod" in podcasting, and for that everyone is grateful. So where are the tools that let me create podcasts on the fly, such as voice and video recorders?

While I'm at it, why can I take pictures with the iPhone's 2-megapixel camera but not e-mail or text-message them? When I'm out partying with my BFFs, I can't take snaps and share them with all my other BFFs. You're totally killing my creative buzz, dude.

And what about support for Web video? I know you've dissed Adobe Flash, but what are you offering as an alternative? Even Windows Mobile phones support Flash and Silverlight. When those dorks are beating you to rich media, that's just embarrassing. You need to do something about that, stat.

5. Open the Sucker Up

Steve, Steve, Steve. I figure you're tired of hearing this, but if you don't want hackers to keep jailbreaking the darned thing, you gotta open it up.

I've heard all about the sweetheart deal you cut with AT&T, how you took their candy away and made them cry, forcing them to give you $10 per subscriber every month in exchange for five years of exclusivity.

I don't care. AT&T's voice coverage is spotty at best, and it has a reputation for customer service rivaled only by the Russian Mafia.

You came to be the Almighty Jobs by listening to your users, and for that you deserve props. So listen to this: At least one out of every five iPhones has been unlocked or is otherwise unaccounted for. Your users are sending you a pretty loud message--can you hear them now?

That's not all I'd like to see fixed, of course. It would also be nice to copy text from one appplication and paste it in another, delete more than one e-mail message at a time, forward voice mail and text messages, sync the device without a cable, set default alarms inside the calendar, and view iCal appointments in full living color. But we'll leave those things to your budding army of software developers.

One more thing: If I have to hear "one more thing" at another of your product soirees, I'm gonna hurl. You need a new catchphrase, something short and snappy like "Fo shizzle, ma nizzle" or simply "D'oh!"

Give me a call. And next time, no pretending you're the Fake Steve Jobs. I can tell when it's really you.

Regards,

Dan Tynan