10 Invincible Gifts for the Cubicle Warrior

If your workplace is like a war zone, add these combative time wasters to your arsenal so you can dominate the office battlefield.

Prepare for Battle!

When cutthroat office politics make quiet diplomacy infeasible, it's time to declare war. These minimally destructive gift ideas will give you (or the cubicle-bound combatant in your life) an edge in the ever-escalating struggle for workplace supremacy.

Custom Bobblehead

Great warriors have monuments erected in their honor. Though your cube may not have space enough to accommodate a life-size bronze likeness, you can still impress your office rivals with a hand-crafted statue of your visage. Just upload three images of your smug mug to the Custom Bobblehead Web site, choose a body for your bobble, and submit your order. (Not only is mine a surprisingly accurate likeness, but it doubles as an iPhone holder.) Set one in a prominent place to intimidate your foes.

USB Laser-Guided Missile Launcher

Defending your cubicle perimeter from unwanted invaders is never easy. But with this laser-guided USB missile launcher in your arsenal, you can use your PC to light up your target and then let rip a salvo of foam-tipped fury. With a little practice, you can also use it to launch surprise mortar-style attacks on the inhabitants of neighboring cubes.

Megatech Mega Missile Launcher

With your home-cube security assured, it's time to go on the offensive and deploy your assault force in the larger theater of office war. The Mega Missile Launcher carries ten foam missiles at a time, and fires them either singly or simultaneously from its rotating turret. Take command of the remote control from the comfort of your cubicle and watch your missiles scud through the air over a range of 15 feet.

Air Hogs Havoc Heli Laser Battle

In any modern battle, air superiority is the key to victory. Unleash your Air Hogs Havoc helicopters--complete with frickin' laser beams mounted under their cockpits, for intense aerial combat--and you will own the skies. (Bonus feature: If your boss suddenly appears, these choppers are small enough for you to snatch out of the air, King Kong style, and shove into a pocket for quick concealment.)

Jumpin' Banana Shocking Tanks

Foam missiles and laser beams are all well and good for a low-intensity office rivalry, but what if you want to inflict a little physical pain along with the mental duress? That's where the Jumpin' Banana Shocking Tanks come in. Challenge your office nemesis to a tank duel, and deliver a painful jolt of electricity straight to the enemy's hands (through the remote control) with every hit. But beware: Your remote will zap you if your tank takes a hit.

Can You Imagine Airzooka

For a more direct assault on your colleagues, arm yourself with an Airzooka. This elastic air launcher shoots balls of air, delivering a palpable wallop at a distance of up to 20 feet without leaving a trace. Just pull back the elastic launcher, line up your target in the sight, and let it rip. Fire the Airzooka as often as you like--you'll never run out of ammo. (But you might still get fired.)

Despair, Inc., Demotivational Poster

Any sap can feel inspired by the forced platitudes of a cheesy motivational wall hanging, but it takes real nerve to maintain morale within sight of a Despair, Inc., Demotivational Poster. Hang one of these dispiriting decorations on your cubicle wall (preferably outside, where you won't accidentally focus on it) to ensure that your defeated foes are suitably despondent when they come groveling to negotiate the terms of their surrender.

Dream Cheeky USB Plasma Ball

Nothing enhances the intimidating atmosphere of your inner sanctum quite like a glowing ball of electrically charged plasma. Stroke your fingertips over the glowing orb, and watch the tendrils of raw, invigorating electricity flow toward you as you cackle maniacally in the faces of your befuddled colleagues. It may make for an awkward moment later when you pass them in the hallway; but within the fabric-lined walls of your cube, this is the perfect sinister prop.

Belkin 7-Port USB Plus Hub

Once you've amassed the various components of your USB arsenal, you'll need a few extra USB ports to keep all the stuff powered up. The Belkin 7-port USB Plus Hub delivers power to all your weaponry easily. (You could also use it for connecting other devices, like phones, or printers, or whatever, if you're into that sort of thing.)

Acco Quartet Workstation Privacy Screen

Even the greatest generals suffer reversals now and then. When the fortunes of war smile elsewhere, you may feel the need to retreat into your stronghold to recuperate (or to weep in private). Alas, your cubicle has a doorway but no door. But for just such occasions, the Acco Quartet Workstation Privacy Screen has you (or your entryway) covered. This ultralight, frosted plastic screen discourages intrusions so that you can live to fight another day.

Shopping for someone with pacifist leanings? Then consult these alternative gift guides:

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