Straight to the Spam Folder: Astonishing E-Mail Messages You'll Never Open

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Colorful People Don't Need Color


So color is something you don't need if you have it but do need if you don't? Augggh--it's an infinite loop!

good-natured Whale. Well,


I, for one, welcome even-tempered, healthy whales.

no more. Of him she did hear from ti


This is what happens when you try to publish your novel as a series of 286,000 tweets.


Real University diplomas.


Most people go to Real University for the football games and the parties, anyway. But why is a law firm involved in this offer?

Online Bachelor's Degrees you deserve


That B.S. in video studies from YouTube U. is rightfully mine!

Diplomas for everybody.


Unclear whether this is a campaign slogan or a drink order in a bar.

Doctorate degree can be yours.


I don't know... Since I did my undergraduate work at Real University, I can afford to be pretty picky about where I go for my graduate degrees.


Real manliness is renewable at any age ?


Losing the question mark might sell this message just a smidge better.

The best way not to fall ill is the rise your immunity


It's also the best way to stay out of jail, as many former government officials have found.

The endurance and stamina depends on the size as well.

(from salaam0@

That explains why you see so few 450-pound marathoners.

Don't fear the measuring tape anymore , Acai Berri.


If she looks anything like her sister Hallie, her fear was unfounded in the first place.

We know the method to quit the aging process.


So do I. Unfortunately, it's also the method to quit the breathing process.

Hey, I know this is a miracle cure, I have seen it on tv


And I know it is, because you just sent me an e-mail about it.

The way to her heart is through her wrist.


Next you'll be telling us that an army marches on its wrists. (Gorilla warfare, maybe?)


Who knows what is to make a fool of oneself in the bed will understand!


Too much information, Dad.

Marvelous scent dragging women after your trail.


For the cave-gentleman demographic.

Be her eromaniac


You don't suppose they mean "egomaniac," do you? Or "euromaniac"? Or "ergomaniac"?

Need a standing rocket?


Is this a metaphor or a homeland security breach? (Also named to FHM's top ten pickup lines list.)

Dozed virility!


"I am SO turned on. Good night."

Now even your stress at work can't stand on your way to success in bed.


Presumably, it just kind of squats there.

Your life will be worthwhile if your penis grows a little.


And if not, not. This statement sums up a belief system that underwrites an entire industry.


You,ve Won 2009 ATM card


Hey, wait a minute--this is for Bernie Madoff's account at Washington Mutual!

Buy any product and get another 3 items for free armhole


I've been looking for one of those...

Life of an ordinary loser is not for you


*Your punch line goes here.*

If you've spotted a world-class message header in your spam filter recently, share it in the comments section below. And if you have any suggestions for creative uses of spam headers, let us know. For example, two of our editors independently came up with the idea of building poems out of the headers--shades of Newton and Leibniz simultaneously discovering advanced calculus!

For more page-view-generating fluff from our archives, check out these fine stories:

You Must Obey: The Unwritten Laws of Technology

Tech Tattoos: The Good, the Bad and the R U SRS?

15 Tech T-Shirts We Love

Dirty Dozen Ugliest and Lamest Cell Phones

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