Straight to the Spam Folder: Astonishing E-Mail Messages You'll Never Open

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RANDOMNESS

Colorful People Don't Need Color

(from reply@captainmonochrome.com)

So color is something you don't need if you have it but do need if you don't? Augggh--it's an infinite loop!

good-natured Whale. Well,

(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)

I, for one, welcome even-tempered, healthy whales.

no more. Of him she did hear from ti

(from festers@mairie-lartiste.fr)

This is what happens when you try to publish your novel as a series of 286,000 tweets.

EDUCATION

Real University diplomas.

(from leoninegherkin@grinchmanlawoffices.com)

Most people go to Real University for the football games and the parties, anyway. But why is a law firm involved in this offer?

Online Bachelor's Degrees you deserve

(from fidelcuantro@meretriciousmagazine.com)

That B.S. in video studies from YouTube U. is rightfully mine!

Diplomas for everybody.

(from gaped3@thai-overtime.com)

Unclear whether this is a campaign slogan or a drink order in a bar.

Doctorate degree can be yours.

(from pyrrhicvictor@theodrekk.com)

I don't know... Since I did my undergraduate work at Real University, I can afford to be pretty picky about where I go for my graduate degrees.

HEALTH

Real manliness is renewable at any age ?

(from reprehensible@soultorque.com)

Losing the question mark might sell this message just a smidge better.

The best way not to fall ill is the rise your immunity

(from hernando@car-cophagous.com)

It's also the best way to stay out of jail, as many former government officials have found.

The endurance and stamina depends on the size as well.

(from salaam0@ pallidtetrad.com)

That explains why you see so few 450-pound marathoners.

Don't fear the measuring tape anymore , Acai Berri.

(from jay@spammingeeks.com)

If she looks anything like her sister Hallie, her fear was unfounded in the first place.

We know the method to quit the aging process.

(from innocentlyg76@reallifenecromancy.com)

So do I. Unfortunately, it's also the method to quit the breathing process.

Hey, I know this is a miracle cure, I have seen it on tv

(from pete_boggs@sphagnumsource.com)

And I know it is, because you just sent me an e-mail about it.

The way to her heart is through her wrist.

(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)

Next you'll be telling us that an army marches on its wrists. (Gorilla warfare, maybe?)

INTIMACY

Who knows what is to make a fool of oneself in the bed will understand!

(from pangolin8@phlegmaticmelancholy.com)

Too much information, Dad.

Marvelous scent dragging women after your trail.

(from timedrelease85@geophrenology.com)

For the cave-gentleman demographic.

Be her eromaniac

(from whutupgzz@salviclassitude.com)

You don't suppose they mean "egomaniac," do you? Or "euromaniac"? Or "ergomaniac"?

Need a standing rocket?

(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)

Is this a metaphor or a homeland security breach? (Also named to FHM's top ten pickup lines list.)

Dozed virility!

(from cheepside@rancidvox.com)

"I am SO turned on. Good night."

Now even your stress at work can't stand on your way to success in bed.

(from nonentity@zzipazz.com)

Presumably, it just kind of squats there.

Your life will be worthwhile if your penis grows a little.

(from windynamic6@cathayway.com)

And if not, not. This statement sums up a belief system that underwrites an entire industry.

YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER

You,ve Won 2009 ATM card

(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)

Hey, wait a minute--this is for Bernie Madoff's account at Washington Mutual!

Buy any product and get another 3 items for free armhole

(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)

I've been looking for one of those...

Life of an ordinary loser is not for you

(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)

*Your punch line goes here.*

If you've spotted a world-class message header in your spam filter recently, share it in the comments section below. And if you have any suggestions for creative uses of spam headers, let us know. For example, two of our editors independently came up with the idea of building poems out of the headers--shades of Newton and Leibniz simultaneously discovering advanced calculus!

For more page-view-generating fluff from our archives, check out these fine stories:

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15 Tech T-Shirts We Love

Dirty Dozen Ugliest and Lamest Cell Phones

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