Top Ten Biggest Tools on Twitter

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Top Ten Biggest Tools on Twitter
Twitter's full of colorful characters. From musing musicians to orbiting astronauts, the 140-character universe seems to have a place for everyone. And that includes total tools.

Twitter's biggest tools do plenty of irksome things. They stalk celebrities; they share information you wish you could unlearn. Some spend time on Twitter purely to talk about how you should spend time on Twitter (social media expert, anyone?). Whatever their tactic, though, they all share one common characteristic: They are unequivocally and unapologetically annoying.

(See Related: What's Your Twitter Type? )

Here's your guide to the 10 biggest tools on Twitter. If you see someone you recognize, by all means let them know. Just don't send out the link 20 times. That'd be a real tool-like thing to do.

1. The CelebriTool

A social media phenomenon exclusive to Twitter, the CelebriTool spends his days interacting with famous people -- if by "interacting with famous people," you mean "having one-sided dialogues with celebrities who aren't aware of his existence."

The CelebriTool is the type of person who follows all of Twitter's A-listers: Ashton Kutcher, Kim Kardashian, and other stars who should've by now become memories of cancelled reality shows. But it's not the following alone that defines the CelebriTool; it's the action that accompanies it.

The CelebriTool, you see, thinks he has a real connection with people like our ol' pal @aplusk. He responds to everything Ashton says, adding insightful commentary to the already riveting updates. For example:

Ashton: "I'm going to go look for trouble. I'll let you know if I find any."

CelebriTool: "@aplusk Sometimes trouble just sneeks (sic) up on you."

The CelebriTool is a huge fan of the retweet function, too, enlightening his fellow tweeters by sharing every morsel of wisdom typed by the likes of @KimKardashian. Allow me to direct your attention to Exhibit B:

CelebriTool: RT @KimKardashian: Up early today! At the gym!

I don't know about you, but my life is certainly enriched.

2. The Social Media Moron

The social media moron -- sometimes described with euphemisms such as "social media expert" or "social media guru" -- is perhaps the most notorious of all the Twitter tools. This specimen is identifiable by his habit of using Twitter to talk mainly about Twitter and how you can more effectively use Twitter, all in a manner that doesn't very effectively use Twitter.

The social media moron spends most of his time discussing the fact that he is a social media moron (though the term "expert" or "guru" is likely to be used in self-referential circumstances). This incessant discussion is conducted primarily for the purpose of convincing you that he is, in fact, a social media moron, as there are no real qualifications for the title.

The social media moron's counsel tends to consist of obvious things any 12-year-old could figure out: Interacting with people is good. Following lots of people will result in some of them following you back. Sending out nudie pics may cost you clients but will win you friends.

(OK, that last bit was from Vanessa Hudgens. But it's still valid advice.)

3. The Kawasaki Guy

Named for everyone's favorite Twitter-blaster, the Kawasaki Guy is the fellow who tweets out links at the seemingly impossible rate of 5,734 updates per second. (I read somewhere that 34 percent of Twitter updates are somehow tied to @GuyKawasaki. That number may be exaggerated, but it sure seems about right.)

A true Kawasaki Guy pays a team of ubertools to do most of the tweeting for him, rarely exerting any effort with his own finely tuned fingertips. The beauty of the Kawasaki Guy, though, is his ability to repeat tweets numerous times, all while sprinkling in marketing messages and convincing people it's part of a personal friendship.

In other words, this Guy's been coached by a real social media guru.

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