4 Easy Answers to iPhone 4 Problems

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So what if some iPhones lose reception when the hand covers the antenna? That's your problem, not Apple's. "Non issue," Apple chief executive Steve Jobs told a MacRumors forumgoer via e-mail. "Just avoid holding it in that way."

Fair enough, but what about iPhone 4's other reported issues, including screen discoloration, reversed volume buttons, stubborn cameras and scratched glass? If Apple's going to pin the antenna problem on users, why stop there? Here's how the company should handle all those other pesky complaints:

Yellow Blotches or Bars on the Screen

It's called Xanthopsia -- yellow vision. Look it up on Wikipedia. You'll find an article suggesting Vincent Van Gogh was affected by Xanthopsia due to a certain kind of epilepsy medication, and the result was some really awesome art. Think of the wonderful things you'll do on an iPhone 4 with a yellow-blotched screen. You probably won't go insane and cut off your own earlobe.

Rear-Facing Camera Doesn't Work

To put it bluntly, your friends are ugly. So are your children. I'm sorry, but for the good of the open Internet, Apple can't let those photos show up on Flic

kr or Facebook. Better to keep that camera shutter on lockdown.

And please, stop downloading photo filter apps; when Apple said iPhone 4 "Changes Everything," they didn't mean everything.

Volume Buttons Upside Down

That's a little trick Apple did to protect your hearing. Did you know that just an hour of listening to an iPod can do damage? You don't care; you'll crank up the tunes just the same because the subway's too noisy -- but not with Apple's revolutionary take on volume buttons.

What's that, old man? You're actually trying to turn the volume down? Apple doesn't need squares like you brandishing the iPhone 4 in public anyway.

Glass is Easily Scratched

Why stop with a few scratches? Gizmodo's Ryan Salerno got it right by dropping the iPhone 4 on some hot New York City asphalt. Accidental, sure, but Salerno says "the look gives it character . . . I guess." That'a boy, Ryan. Scratched and shattered iPhones are like snowflakes. It's those creepy Androids you've got to worry about.

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