What kind of parent are you?
While touching YouTube videos and cute iPad apps may lull you into thinking technology and parenting are a natural fit, don't get too comfy. The world is full of truly terrible tech for tots, and we're somewhat horrified to share the worst of it. Prepare yourself for products designed to haunt your parenting years.
Infant Breeze Baby Butt Fan
The ultimate foe of diaper rash and unfresh booty, the Infant Breeze Baby Butt Fan aims to keep baby's tush soft and dry. It’s akin to those little "portable air conditioners," and, as its descriptive website states, the fan is meant to be used after wiping but before diapering.
The one thing it doesn’t explain is how to keep a squirmy infant still during the drying session.
Pregnant? Addicted to Twitter? Have we ever got a service for you! The KickBee tweets expectant mothers (and her followers) whenever Mom's child is kicking.
On one hand, the data it collects helps count baby kicks, a common measurement of a baby's well being. On the other hand, does that data need to be pushed onto a social network? If KickBee catches on, we can look forward to Twitter streams full of “I kicked Mommy!” notifications. Because that's what your Twitter feed's been missing: posts from fetuses.
There’s nothing like seeing that first picture of your kid in the womb, but what if you want something more… lifelike? Behold the fetus replica. A modern marvel of 3D printing, the fetus replica will show you exactly what your days-old, not-fully-formed child looks like at the very moment he or she was scanned with a technology called Bio-Texture Modeling. Exclusively from the Japanese company Fasotec, it runs for about $1,300.
At least it comes in its own stylish case?
Checking a child's diaper is apparently a Herculean task. Fortunately, Huggies TweetPee will just shoot parents a tweet when their kid's diapers get wet. The monitor also keeps track of the number of diapers that have been used. The actual changing of the diaper, however? That's still all on you.
Parenting would be so much easier with three arms: Two for traditional arm-using activities, and one to carry the baby. The Babykeeper relives the burden by letting you toss your little guy on the nearest door. Your child can then hang out on the built-in hooks while you handle other business. Depending on your baby, she may even enjoy the ride! Just don’t forget to grab your kid before you leave the room. Because there's nothing more awkward than having to claim your child from Lost and Found.
Hey, don't feel too bad about letting your child hang over doors. Case in point: A 1937 Life Magazine photo shows the infamous "baby cage." Likely a favorite of space-constrained urban parents, the cage lets Junior get some fresh air—by hanging in a cage. Outside the window. Because that's not going to alarm your neighbors. Or CPS.
Why spend hours getting your kid in and out of a variety of outfits when you can just cram 'em into the Musac'Bag? Cut out the middle man and wrap your little one in a mobile sleeping bag. A day out only requires a quick brush of the teeth. Is he ready to go to sleep? Just lay him down. Comes with multiple pockets for pacifiers and candy. Buy one in an adult size, and you'll match!
Moneual Rydis H800 Robot Air Purifier
Why buy a boring air purifier when you can have a robot air purifier? The Moneual Rydis H800 Robot Air Purifier roves around keeping the air pristine throughout your house—something that, based on the company website, is appreciated by both adorable babies and doe-eyed pets. It's a safe way to give your baby comfort, especially if you let it slowly motor through your child’s room in the middle of the night.
Turn potty time into play time by chucking the regular baby toilets and getting the iPad-compatible iPotty. It aims to take the pressure off of number twos, letting your offspring be distracted by new tweets, push notifications, and that nearly impossible level in Angry Birds. Three out of four adults admit to using their gadgets in the bathroom, so... just think of the iPotty as advanced training for the real world.
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