It's silly season again, and I don't mean the upcoming midterms. Just the looming release of a bunch of new video game stuff, accompanied by crescendoing raves and jeers.
In today's corner, Sony spokes-comic Kevin Butler, with a site dubbed "Move vs. Stuff." Its blue-yellow logo looks vaguely like the font used on football jerseys. Let the games begin.
The chart runs the feature count from Sony's perspective. PlayStation Move has a Blu-ray player, Kinect and Wii don't. You can stream Hulu Plus and access the PlayStation Network for free, the Move's camera "tracks [the] controller for precise gameplay" and "pinpoint accuracy," you can play games in 3D, and the controller provides "feedback you can feel and see."
The only shared feature? "Includes power cord."
"It only does way more than they do," reads Sony's goading black-blue tagline.
Drill on a specification PDF and you'll find an expanded version of the chart that lists an eight category, "Reminds grandma of her youth." "Hoop with a stick" wins hands-down, while Pineapple loses categorically.
Another branch site titled Yaybuttons.com displays a glowing picture of a Move controller and asks visitors to "Click any button to keep going."
"See what you did there? You clicked it," teases the site when you click the Move controller. "It turns out that buttons are pretty important. Not like 'save the whales' important. More like 'not play games that suck' important. Cuz they help you...control stuff. Controller. Control. Kinda makes sense."
"Some people don't think you need buttons. WHAT?! Craziness. Could you imagine gaming without buttons? Where would the control come from? You couldn't snipe. Couldn't fire any sort of weapon at all, really. Unless you turn your fingers into a gun."
"Pew! Pew! What are we, mimes?!?"
"Buttons can do anything! Get you a turbo boost, enter secret cheat codes, catch lint. Wait, not that button. Although belly buttons ain't bad either. Everyone's got one of those! Innie? Outtie? I'm rambling now, what was I talking about? Buttons. Yay!"
"Did you know the button was invented by Edison? And that guy was smart. I bet he knew that buttons would be great for gaming. It's not even just about fun. Pause. That's a pretty important function right there. Especially when you get a phone call. Or drank too much soda."
"I know what you're thinking. What if I could just shout 'Pause'? Without a button. Great idea! Because there's no way that could backfire. Imagine: You're boxing, your friend's passing by, he wants to mess with you. Cause he's sometimes a jerk like that. He shouts, 'Pause'! Tragic. Buttons! They keep the control in your hand."
Another site, SensitiveFireman.com, lets you create videos to "help you convince the world that you need a PlayStation Move," but falls flat. What's funny about a sensitive fireman? Aren't they all?
Should've hired The Man Your Man Could Smell Like instead.
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