Amazon User Reviews
If you're in the market for just about anything, chances are Amazon.com has it. And if you're having trouble making a buying decision, chances are someone has posted an Amazon user review to help you out. Or at least to make you laugh. Read on for 15 of the all-time best Amazon user reviews, though the products themselves might not be so stellar.
Snooki may have a hit show, but her debut novel isn't impressing the critics on Amazon--even though (as one observer points out) she might be the first person to write a book without ever having read one. While many user reviews offer unkind assessments of the work, few sum up the experience of reading Snooki's roman à clef quite so succinctly as one labeled "Grate book!" As the reviewer so elegant explains, "I use to be Harvard inglish profeser. I reed this bok and now forgot how spel and use inglish."
The Online Milkman
Few products have inspired more-ardent user reviews than this oddball item: a gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk. It has inspired jokes, odes, and anthems; but Catherine Swinford took matters to a whole (and homogenized) other level. She crafted the story of an entire relationship gone sour because the husband, inexplicably, came home one Friday without the milk. Hemingway would be proud.
In the Toilet
Speaking of things that stink, another memorable review assesses CatGenie's Self Washing, Self Flushing Cat Box. A litter box that cleans itself is a cat owners dream, right? Not this one, says N A "Cat Lover" on Amazon. "You will become more familiar with your cat's feces every day as the cat genie gently fills your home with the aroma of baking excrement," he writes. "The stench is really outstanding. It's hard to describe. I'm a doctor, and I've rarely ever smelled anything so bad."
Want to escape the world of pew in favor of a happier place? These LSD-trip camouflage pants should do the trick. Yes, you can purchase these Zubaz pants today, in 2011, on Amazon--in a range of colors, no less. If you're not sure you want to make that kind of fashion statement, let Alan E. Schmidt convince you: "I was searching for clothes that speak to me. ... These pants not only spoke to me, they entered my soul and transformed me. When I get out of my bitchin 78 camaro wearing these bad boys, there's no question who the boss man is."
Now That's Distracted Driving
From the what-were-they-thinking department comes the Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk. That's right: It's a desk you can use while you're in the driver's seat. Of your car. On the road (at least temporarily). We could go on and on about this amazingly bad idea, or we could let Michael McCollough's review do that for us. You'll never guess how his story ends.
Full Body Scan Not Included
If dealing with real-life metal detectors, TSA agents and their pat-downs, and long lines at security stations sounds like fun to you, why not relive the experience at home with the Playmobil Security Checkpoint. Alas, as reviewers, point out, this toy is lacking in realism. Still, one father did his best to use it as an educational toy to prepare his children for a flight. Read his harrowing tale before you decide to do the same.
In Case It Isn't Obvious
If you've ever wondered how to protect yourself from getting crushed to death by a giant ocean liner, this is the book for you. That's right, it's "How to Avoid Huge Ships." Did you know that you can prevent 99 percent of such accidents simply by staying out of large bodies of water? Unfortunately, though, the book won't tell you how to avoid certain other unwanted (and all-too-large) items that may cross your path, as one reviewer found out, after (he says) misreading the title.
Other Not-So-Natural Disasters
Looking to relax and unwind with a little escapist entertainment? If you find fun in doomsday scenarios, you'll enjoy this list of the "Best end-of-the-world movies." It offers a variety of titles, including The Day After and The Sum of All Fears. But closer inspection of the list reveals the creator's own spin on the apocalypse. At number 23, you'll find the video of an interview that ABC News conducted with Sarah Palin for its program 20/20. As the list writer notes, "By far & away the most frightening pick on this list. Perhaps the Mayan calendar was correct; Sarah Palin being elected in 2012 would = the end of the world."
A Babysitter's Worst Nightmare
Finding Nemo is a cute movie about an animated fish. Perfect for kids, right? Maybe not, according to one reviewer, who uses Amazon to recap the night he took a four-year-old to see it in the theater. It wasn't just the Big Gulp of Mountain Dew that the kid drank. And it wasn't the subpar plot of the movie. It was the post-movie meal he decided to feed the child that really ruined the night--and the movie--for this man.
Are You Sure That's How You Use It?
The Animal House Monkey Peeler is a cute, innocuous little product. Perfect for peeling apples, potatoes, carrots, and assorted produce. Do not, however, use the Monkey Peeler to peel an actual simian. As one reviewer found out, monkeys simply aren't cooperative enough to let the peeler work properly.
More Than Just a Cookbook
You may never look at a microwave oven in the same way again after reading "Microwave Cooking for One." And you may never look at a cookbook in the same way after reading Kyle Kruczek's review of this title. It's not just a book, he writes, it's a book "passed down from the Gods themselves." And as the cover picture shows, the author's idea of cooking for one seems to involve one offensive lineman for the Green Bay Packers.
Not So Fresh and Not So Whole
In the market for a Fresh Whole Rabbit? Were else would you turn but to Amazon.com? Well, it sounds as though more than a few shoppers won't looking to that source for fresh whole critters any more, especially the reviewer who noted that the "whole" rabbit is actually missing a few key parts--like a head, ears, and fur. And as for being "dressed," the poor thing was naked as a jaybird.
Now That's a King
If memories of the masked "Burger King" running around in the fast-food restaurant's ads aren't enough for you, now you can act out your own episodes in real life, thanks to this latex mask. If just looking at it doesn't convince you to buy one, this review might do the trick: "I've been waiting forever for this moment. I've finally found a way to frighten the ever-loving crap out of my enemies AND offer them delicious artery-clogging fast food at the same time!"
Bugbuster, a Bust
Sonic Technology's Bugbuster Spider and Insect Vacuum hasn't earned the following that the famed Tuscan Whole Milk has achieved. But it has managed to inspire its very own literary review, thanks to a user inspired to write about it in verse. Bemoaning the fact that he could only rate it 3 stars, the reviewer wrote, "I wish I could give it five/it does keep the bugs alive." The high point is clearly when Sam K rhymes "strong" with "alone"--but maybe it's a typo and he meant to say "strone."
By now you know you can get almost anything on Amazon.com. As it turns out, you can even get a container of Uranium Ore. Just remember not to order it too far in advance, a lesson learned by Amazon reviewer Patrick J. McGovern (the "Procrastinating Evil Scientist"). His review? "I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."
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