What Do You Need to Buy?
Are you in the market for human urine? How about some snake venom? Some of the stuff available online--and perfectly legal to buy in much of the United States--will give even the most brazen Web surfers the willies. What follows is not to be mistaken for a gift guide; rather, it includes some of the most ghoulish, disturbing, and downright weird stuff money can buy in just a few mouse clicks.
This survey of e-commerce gone wrong does come with a big disclaimer: The legality of the items I've collected here depends on where you live. In other words, consult local laws before you have any of this stuff sent to your home, or risk finding yourself on Homeland Security's watch list.
Got snake venom? If not, you can pick some of the deadly toxin up at SnakeVenom.net (prices available upon request). Here you can buy such fine venoms as that from the Agkistrodon acutus (a so-called 100-pace snake) or the Southeast Asian Vipera. Keep in mind not all snake venom is deadly; in fact, a recent radio news segment on National Public Radio profiling the late snake expert Bill Haast shows us it might even be beneficial to your health.
While not the traditional flamethrowers used by the army, you can still buy these intimidating pieces of equipment from most home improvement stores and in online marketplaces such as Amazon.com. The Red Dragon Weed Torch Kit ($310, list) is typically used for clearing bushes and overgrown weeds. Also available are flamethrowers for retrofitting your car with when you want to impress your friends or when you're driving through the bad part of town. Here is link to a video of the Red Dragon in action.
Real Human Body Parts
"Body Worlds" is a renowned traveling art and science exhibit, similar to the popular "Bodies: The Exhibition," that features plasticized human corpses along with horses, dogs, cats, and even the genitalia of a bull. If you're rich, you can own a plasticized torso or human foot of your very own. A human torso will run you upwards of $82,000. You must be "qualified" to buy a human head, according the website, but anyone can buy a walking stick made out a bull's penis.
The Martin Jetpack is still in the process of development, but you can place your orders now for the low price of $100,000. You'll most likely need to be trained in order to use it, and it would probably be more for show than actually commuting to work. You can see a video of the pack in action here.
Hallucinogenic Herbs and Mushrooms
Salvia divinorum is considered one of the most intense short-lasting hallucinogens on the planet. It has been banned outright in many states but is still legal in most of them. It is just one of many potentially very dangerous natural substances that can be purchased online legally in many states, substances that are supposed to get you high--and will likely make you sick, as well.
Who knew an online market existed for the buying and selling of souls? While you'll occasionally see listings for souls on eBay, sites such as Demonical.com offer an eBay-like service for either bidding on souls of famous people or selling your own or someone else's. Henry Kissinger's soul will run you $675 at Demonical.com. When I clicked on the Buy It Now button, I received the very earthly website error message, "SSL connection error."
Human urine is a hot commodity online with the drug-test-challenged crowd. I spotted a slew of websites such ureasample.com, perfecturine.com, and best4drugtest.com that cater to people in need of "clean" urine. As disturbing as it may be, it's also refreshing to know you have places you can send your deadbeat friends the next time they hit you up for a specimen.
Two types of people order feces online: farmers looking for fertilizer rich in phosphorus and nitrogen, and people buying a gallon of gorilla crap ($23.95 + shipping) to send to their enemies. The website Poopsenders promises to send a nice smelly gift to anyone of your choosing (for the right price, of course). Besides gorilla dung, you can also buy hefty elephant bombs, or if you're feeling less exotic, simple cow dung.
Tanks, But No Thanks
Here is a great site for military despots and serious military buffs. The Mortar Investments website sells honest-to-goodness tanks. Most of the ones I spotted for sale start at around $40,000. One catch is that you'll need to arrange to have them sent to you. The other catch is passing your local motor vehicle inspection test so you can visit the McDonald's drive-through in your tank.
Real Human Bones
If you're not a science teacher or doctor and you find yourself dropping large amounts of money shopping at a site called Skullsunlimited.com, I hope you are not my neighbor. Most sites peddling bones ship them to you at a low rate and charge about $300 for a vertebra, $400 for a hand, and $1700 for human skull. So here is a thought: It may be legal to buy human bones, but that doesn't make such purchases any less creepy.