Sims 4 hugs Star Wars, Hulk Hogan goes Crazy Taxi, and more must-know gaming news

There’s a Tetris movie! There’s an Angry Birds movie! Hulk Hogan is still alive and determined to erase all our happy memories of Hulk Hogan!

This is all your gaming news for the week of September 29.

The best-laid doomsday plans

Stardock, of Galactic Civilizations and Sins of a Solar Empire fame, unveiled a new fantasy 4X game this week titled Sorcerer King.

More importantly, the game doesn’t sound like just another fantasy 4X game (of which we’ve already had three this year—Age of Wonders III, Warlock 2, and Endless Legend). Instead of pitting two or more evenly-matched opponents, Sorcerer King has asymmetric starting points and goals for each side: saving or preventing the end of the world.

You can pick it up on Early Access right now if you’d like, or wait until the game’s full release in 2015.

Small in Japan

Microsoft is not happy with how many Xbox Ones its sold in Japan. The system sold an absolutely dour 23,000 units in the first four days. On the other hand, the Xbox has always sold terribly in Japan so… business as usual.

The last game you’ll ever play

Time for your twice-yearly update on The Last Guardian. Sony says it “continues to work diligently on the game, so please look forward to it.”

Listen, Sony, I’ve been looking forward to The Last Guardian for over five damn years now. If I were a mouse instead of a human, I’d already be dead.

Thinking with portals

Quan Chi is back for Mortal Kombat X. My mother always said “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” which was silly because if I followed that advice I wouldn’t have this job. However, the things I have to say about Quan Chi and his cheap portal-based attacks are so vile that I’ll spare you the details.

In conclusion, I can’t wait to kick Quan Chi in his smug face.

Blockhead

They’re making a Tetris movie. Really. Threshold Entertainment CEO Larry Kasanoff described it to the Wall Street Journal as “a very big, epic sci-fi movie.” He also uttered this atrocity of a sentence: “We certainly have the canvas for location-based entertainment based on the epicness.”

And this one: “What you [will] see in ‘Tetris’ is the teeny tip of an iceberg that has intergalactic significance.”

Even with all this hot feces Kasanoff is flinging around, I can guarantee no Tetris film will ever be as good as this music video chronicling the history of the Soviet Union through the Tetris theme, so why even bother trying?

Funny birds

Speaking of dumb movies, that Angry Birds movie announced its cast this week and wow, Rovio must’ve written some big checks to get this talent—Jason Sudeikis, Josh Gad, Danny McBride, Bill Hader, Maya Rudolph, and Peter Dinklage are all confirmed for roles, among others. This movie, which I anticipate will be a Citizen Kane for a new generation, is slated to release in July of 2016.

Thank goodness Rovio announced the news the same week as it announced it’s cutting up to 130 jobs.

Betting the farm

How much do you anticipate liking Evolve, the four-versus-one monster hunting shooter being made by Turtle Rock and 2K? Do you, for instance, anticipate liking it so much that you’ve laid down a preorder? Would you maybe consider buying a collector’s edition for an extra $10?

Or wait, how about this—would you be willing to throw down seven-hundred and fifty dollars to purchase a two-and-a-half foot tall, thirty-five pound statue? Good, because you can do exactly that.

The price of fame

There was a time when Hulk Hogan meant something. Now he is going to be in that mobile Crazy Taxi game. Hulk Hogan is going to drive taxis. He is a Real American.

Randy Savage was always better anyway.

Force-fed

The Sims 4 is adding pools so you sickos can drown families again. Happy?

Oh, and they also added a bunch of Star Wars costumes to the mix, which is fine except that for some reason Luke is… sieg-heiling? What kind of game is this?