You probably think of Craigslist as a convenient place to sell a dresser or futon that you no longer want. Or maybe you see it as a useful place to peruse when you’re looking for jobs or roommates. But the free classified site is much more than that: It’s also a source of sheer comedy–if you stumble across one of these ads, that is.
All of the usual Craigslist topics come up in these unbelievable ads: dating, pets, junk sales, free items, missed connections. But instead of being simple and straightforward, these ads are overdone or bent.
Let’s start with pets.
Sea-Monkeys: The Pets That Aren’t Pets
“Please rescue my son’s Sea Monkeys.” So begins one woman’s impassioned plea for someone to save her son’s critters. Their owners are moving, you see, and she has no idea how to transport them. But don’t try to tell her how to move them, because, as she says, “I don’t care.” She just wants them off of her hands–as long as you don’t feed them to your fish.
And she has one last request: “Please do no flag and tell me this belongs in Pets. Seriously–they’re Sea Monkeys. Come on.”
Am I the only one who thinks the Sea-Monkeys ended up in the toilet?
Cleaning Up the Neighborhood
At first glance, this ad, posted in the Garage & Moving Sales section of Houston’s Craigslist, reads like your average notice. “Everything is free and must go immediately!!” It goes on to list what’s available: antiques, auto parts, beds, books, cell phones, computers, furniture, and more. The ad even states that all of the items are “already at the curb for convenient loading!!”
There’s really nothing too humorous about it. Until you read the fine print: “Note from the user who submitted this ad: My neighbor continues to illegally dump garbage in her front yard. So I made a craigslist ad for other hoarders to come take the stuff away.” Way to clean up the neighborhood!
People often use the missed connections posts on Craigslist to say things they don’t have the nerve to say in person. Like, “hey, I think you’re cute.” Or, “I should have given you my number when I had the chance.” Or even, “You’re rude and arrogant and a bad tipper.”
That about sums up what one pizza delivery guy had to say to one of his customers, the “young lady that lives in a beautiful home on Eagle River Road not far from Wal-Mart.” But he says it with so much elegance (he begins by saying “It was cold, it was dark, the roads were a little icy. I don’t blame you for ordering a pizza for delivery tonight. Nice choice. “) that his 761-word post reads more like a short story
If the woman who stiffed him on his tip ever happened upon his post, she’d likely feel pretty darn foolish. And I dare say she wouldn’t take him up on his offer to return the penny he still owes her.
Here’s a New Twist on Getting the Bills Paid
Can’t wait for your children to produce some adorable little grandchildren? Don’t wait any longer: Head to Craigslist instead. That’s where you can buy the rights to grandparent this adorable nine-year-old girl. You’ll get the promise of handmade presents, trips to the library “where she will ignore you to read her favorite books,” an invite to her birthday party, and more.
The catch? You simply have to pay her tuition at the private school she’d like to attend. At $23,500 for the academic year, it’s a veritable bargain. Wouldn’t you agree?
“I want to get out of the house and workout everyday. I need help motivating my body to walk out the door. I need someone to come ring the doorbell and tell me to get out of the house to go for a run, hike, kayak or such.
“It should only take a week of this to get me motivated enough to go on my own.”
Let’s be serious, though: if you need this much help getting motivated, do you really think a week is going to be enough?
(By the way, if you’re interested in the job, it pays $8 an hour, one hour per day.)
Or Maybe It’s Just a Piece of Junk?
This woman really wants to get rid of her toaster. Her reason is completely logical: The device burns her toast. But why does it burn her toast? Because it’s haunted, of course. Her husband inherited it from a deceased friend and she thinks “his friend decided to hang around.” And burn her toast. Because what else would a dead person want to do?
Somehow, I don’t want any toast now.
Next: Outstanding Room for Rent, That Couch Is Too Darn Big, Hipster Housecleaner, and more.
How to Make Your Ad Stand Out
Have a room to rent? You could post your average, run-of-the-mill ad on Craigslist, listing the price and the basics. Or you could make it really stand out, like this ad, titled “$500 HOLY CRAP! IS THAT A ROOM FOR RENT ON MY CRAIGSLIST??!?!?!?”
“Do you want to be homeless? Then you better come check this room for rent out. It has WALLS and a CEILING.” That’s not all: It has carpet, too. As the poster writes, “I don’t want my feet to be cold when I get out of bed at night. Carpet. So soft. Transcends the walking barefoot experience.”
The ad comes complete with a photo of “your bad ass new roommate.” But you might feel like you already know him after reading his ad.
Looking for some help keeping your house neat and clean? Hire the hipster housecleaner. “Like most hipsters, I spend my time being totally ironic and getting seriously awesome,” he writes. But as he recently lost his job, this hipster is looking for a little extra income. “While you’re at work you can think about how badass I’m being at your house. You can rest easy with the fact that a sweet dude in skinny jeans is totally taking out the garbage and cleaning your toilet.”
And should you harbor any doubts about whether a hipster housecleaner will actually clean house, put your mind at ease. His services earned rave reviews.
Now That’s a Headline
A great headline can make or break an article on a site like PCWorld. I’m willing to bet that a great headline can also make or break a sale on Craigslist. Take this ad, for example. His headline–“Either I suck at golf or there is something wrong with these clubs – $75″–just draws you in, doesn’t it? It may even have enticed someone to pay full asking price for an old set of golf clubs and “a bag with some junk in it.”
Funny or Creepy?
I’ll leave you to make your own judgment after reading this ad: “i need someone to hide easter eggs in my apt when i am not there ! they are small and filled with candy ! i would like to find them myself on sunday ! i am willing to pay ! serious inquiries only !”
Honestly, I don’t want to know how this turned out.
Putting the A– in Class
Well, first, this man is looking to hire a wingwoman–to help him meet other women. Then, he feels it necessary to explain what a wingwoman is. (It’s “a woman who goes into a social situation with the purpose of helping the guy or guys she is with meet women.”)
But what really gets me about this ad is the fact that he describes himself as a “classy professional.” Because nothing says classy like having to hire women to make other women think that women like you. Be still my beating heart!
Who Hasn’t Bought a Couch on Craigslist?
Anyone? Well, if you still need a couch, would you go for this ad, which offers a free sofa “if you can bend time and/or space.”
The lister explains: “So why am I listing in for free? Because I am pretty sure it is physically impossible to remove this thing from my second story bedroom down the narrow hallway, down the narrower staircase and out the front door of my little Victorian duplex. How did we get it up here in the first place? Magic… well, it did involve taking several doors off the hinges, 4 people, and about 3 1/2 hours of cursing the gods. However, I don’t feel like doing it all again, and I’m not about to have a stranger (no offense) taking apart my house for a deal on a sofa.”
Even if this ad isn’t for real, well, I’m not sure that makes it any better. It’s from a woman who is “looking for a light skinned man to get me pregnant this coming weekend or early next week. You will need light brown blonde or red hair. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for months now and my doctor says I’m fine so it must be him–it would kill him not to have kids.”
Would you really want the kind of person who answers that kind of ad to father your children? Yikes.