It turns out that I enjoyed the mocking more than the praising. So here are several dozen new specimens of the spammer’s art–rescued from my e-mail program’s spam filter over the past year, lovingly curated, and then given the Fozzie Bear treatment. As before, the header is exactly as found in the quarantine zone, though the senders’ names have been altered slightly for the usual cowardly legal reasons.
News Flashes You May Have Missed
Earth isn’t round!
(from sven.yargs@pcworld.com)
It’s just large-boned.
Major stock crisis news forthcoming
(from diyhairy2965@sky.com)
…details when it’s too late.
Administration alert
(from customerservice@brbank.net)
That’s not what Fox News is reporting.
FDIC has officially named your bank a failed bank
(from consumeralerts@fdic.gov)
About time it got some recognition.
Ow each province to work out responsible
(from summatime@itsmyinclination.com)
But first they have to stop hitting me!
Sellers You Can Trust
You may never make a bigger decision than visiting our website here
(from pluteauCI@architrave.org)
Especially if your life is as pathetic and meaningless as we suspect.
When you don?t know what to do from pain, ask us for help.
(from ventilated30@romanth&truby.com)
We specialize in selling things to people whose suffering has impaired their judgment.
Get the real pills for free
(from rodeAo@bbtrombone.com)
The business model here sounds fascinating.
$20,000 for just $100 59% off
(from chorusx9x@partenaire-emprevise.fr)
I’ll bet this guy used to work as a hedge fund manager.
Higher Education
Call for your diploma now.
(from lardsbtt56@funpartiesbytraci.com)
“And that one is my PhD from Funpartiesbytraci University.”
Get a degree with no problems.
(from repletion157@zemlya-zeitung.com)
My last degree was passive-aggressive, with codependency issues.
Universities don?t give as much knowledge as you need, buy diploma now.
(from samovarnish06@isabelle-beauregard.com)
For instance, they rarely teach students how to tell a good deal on a fake diploma from a bad one.
More Watches
Imagine having a designer watch for a funny price.
(from detriment44@gamelanconsultants.com)
I don’t think he means “ha-ha.”
A decent watch will raise you in the eyes of everybody.
(from refreshower095@refluxodigital.com)
But an indecent one will get you invited to more parties.
Add peculiarity to your style with our watches.
(from portendador09@patriot-nit.com)
Or accessorize with some tics of your own.
Be careful ? our watches are extremely che ap.
(from demonetary3@vascoderommer.com)
Do these guys ever sell anything?
Gift Ideas
Show how much you love your lady, buy her Cartier earrings. The best gift for your boyfriend can be an Armani bracelet.
(from skelter23@europeanpeaforum.com)
And while you’re at it, don’t forget to buy presents for your wife and your husband, too, you sly dog.
Superbly crafted top quality items that look exactly like the real thing
(from pandaopolyCx@nymag.com)
We’d tell you what they are, but we aren’t sure ourselves.
Top-quality Swiss construction available
(from faustina8f@blottomarks.net)
Antique clocktower in Berne; buyer must pick up.
lustr eless washt ubs
(from maximillion@minewoodfolk.nl)
Nothing says “Happy anniversary!” like one of these.
The Spiritual Realm
Sweet Lord, call me on my cell!
(from sven_yargs@pcworld.com)
….and let’s discuss “unlimited minutes” at your place!
Muvizu brings CGI fimmaking to the masses
(from release@presswire.com)
Church officials have not revealed what they plan to do with the resulting fim.
Be concrete down there
(from dawelt@4u2b1directsales.com)
Excellent advice. Satan takes a very dim view of abstract thinking.
A Better You!
Stop feeling inadequate now
(from yodaman6145@bastelnet.bs)
And stop that sniveling, too, you worm.
Medically proven to add inches
(from sven.yargs@pcworld.com)
It’s the all-butter diet.
No Pumps! No Surgery! No Exercises!
(from MarisolsolitudeBaraja@swaensohn.com)
Finally–a fitness program I can stick with.
With a giant instrument you have more chance to pick up women.
(from candidlys92@rejuvenationsspa.com)
A forklift, for instance, or really large tongs.
Scintillating Symbolism
0% night failure risk Make your volcano erupt more lava Recharge your package
(from bolanlexarthur@pcworld.com)
Hard to tell what he’s talking about. Maybe if he added a metaphor or two?
Add power to your man’s hammer
(from rupasta.narvain@cm-ajadudio.fr)
How did the volcano lava/package recharger/night failure risk guy miss this one?
Enlarging your male weapon means winning a competition.
(from junkingxr89@rickman.com)
The Self-Delusion Olympics?
Best! Drugs! Ever!
Easy to buy! We accept Visa, Codeine (the most competitive price on NET!) 7maa
(from chastityalyssa_wn@alewifetown.com)
However, we no longer accept American Express or Heroin.
Health problems? Forget about them with us.
(from mikhailleah7@riviera-repertoire.com)
We’re heading over to the opium den–want to come along?
Reputable Viagra reseller
(from jyjeunexigyx1212@hindsitenet.net)
Talk about an oxymoron!
Do not underestimate the value of free pills
(from bailbond45@northxnorthwestelsevier.com)
Okay, Darth.
Solution for lonely men
(from auydaruvir6383@r&r&r&r&r.com)
Popularly known as “beer.”
From the Files of Our Grammar Police
Asking for reasonable advise
(from 4947491_1967@gameschwelt.ch)
Would you accept honest council instead?
feeling like a looser in bed? Improve your xxxlife for better
(from yasir@twangarrows.com)
Stop improving it for worse, looser!
Forget expensive doctor’s visits
(from incisiveb7@soccerway.com)
The question is, Can we get him to forget them?
New dimensions in ur work
(from sven.yargs@pcworld.com)
It’s sad to be defeated by “your” after triumphing over “dimensions.”
EFL: English as a Foreign Language
I want sale you rolex.. or other grat watch . do you want?
(from jennykelpfish@geocities.com)
Before you sale me, you’ll have to offer some proof of their gratness.
Where can I Canada prescription drugs online?
(from cdmanganize@ketterscorn.com)
For some reason, I thought “England” would become a verb before “Canada” did.
You will like the quality of our soft, but moreover you will like the prices.
(from revisitingbb18@reggaerejkjavik.com)
But meanwhile as to the quality of our hard, it is also of the utmost sell.
Purchase program Microsoft after a half price
(from berneice.basenji@hotmail.com)
And of course, instructions assembly detailed from each with Microsoft.
Intriguing Assertions
Life is full of emotions only when you are healthy.
(from pinheadpromo@royalvultur.com)
Hence the Stoic motto, “Stay sick.”
To Men: You can do it
(from xukana5912@tpwigwam.pl)
To Rabbits: So can you.
The most popular bag now
(from garrulousQV@futbalmom.com)
Everyone else bags later.
Age is no longer a barrier for me in bed
(from calamariA@lapdogtimes.com)
Tell it to the judge, Mr. Polanski.
Women don?t care about your money as long as your trunk is long and hard.
(from collectibills64@china-fpmosa.com)
And it’s a good thing, because money doesn’t grow on trees.
The Imperative Voice
Get your own bot
(from moa@cassowarychaser.com)
Look, I promise I’ll give you yours back next week.
Steven Gray, raise a financially saavy teen
(from paypal@info.paypal.com)
Will she be able to spell, too?
Brawl at kiddy league baseball
(from sven.yargs@pcworld.com)
It’s a much better way to build self-esteem than picking fights in a biker bar.
Live in harmony with 2 wives
(from icherooster5640@toscatascalli.it)
The key is to keep their husbands out of the loop.
A Little Too Concise
[no subject]
(from [no sender])
You mean it just appeared here spontaneously?
sap
(from RobinseggBlue@newjunkscience.com)
It’s either an insult or an untapped market.
Spam
(from reports@mail.irs.gov)
Right.
Also available on PCWorld.com
For other satirical views of tech life from the vaults of PCWorld, check out these stories:
• “The 20 Dumbest Questions on Yahoo Answers“