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Return of the Spam Heckler
By Steven Gray
About a year ago, I wrote an article for this site that began by praising the craft required to produce a spam header intriguing enough to coax an innocent recipient into opening the unsolicited message (see “Straight to the Spam Folder: Astonishing E-Mail Messages You’ll Never Open“). Then I spent the rest of the story mocking various spam headers that editors at PCWorld had recently received.
It turns out that I enjoyed the mocking more than the praising. So here are several dozen new specimens of the spammer’s art–rescued from my e-mail program’s spam filter over the past year, lovingly curated, and then given the Fozzie Bear treatment. As before, the header is exactly as found in the quarantine zone, though the senders’ names have been altered slightly for the usual cowardly legal reasons.
News Flashes You May Have Missed
Earth isn’t round!
It’s just large-boned.
Major stock crisis news forthcoming
…details when it’s too late.
That’s not what Fox News is reporting.
FDIC has officially named your bank a failed bank
About time it got some recognition.
Ow each province to work out responsible
But first they have to stop hitting me!
Sellers You Can Trust
You may never make a bigger decision than visiting our website here
Especially if your life is as pathetic and meaningless as we suspect.
When you don?t know what to do from pain, ask us for help.
We specialize in selling things to people whose suffering has impaired their judgment.
Get the real pills for free
The business model here sounds fascinating.
$20,000 for just $100 59% off
I’ll bet this guy used to work as a hedge fund manager.
Call for your diploma now.
“And that one is my PhD from Funpartiesbytraci University.”
Get a degree with no problems.
My last degree was passive-aggressive, with codependency issues.
Universities don?t give as much knowledge as you need, buy diploma now.
For instance, they rarely teach students how to tell a good deal on a fake diploma from a bad one.
Imagine having a designer watch for a funny price.
I don’t think he means “ha-ha.”
A decent watch will raise you in the eyes of everybody.
But an indecent one will get you invited to more parties.
Add peculiarity to your style with our watches.
Or accessorize with some tics of your own.
Be careful ? our watches are extremely che ap.
Do these guys ever sell anything?
Show how much you love your lady, buy her Cartier earrings. The best gift for your boyfriend can be an Armani bracelet.
And while you’re at it, don’t forget to buy presents for your wife and your husband, too, you sly dog.
Superbly crafted top quality items that look exactly like the real thing
We’d tell you what they are, but we aren’t sure ourselves.
Top-quality Swiss construction available
Antique clocktower in Berne; buyer must pick up.
lustr eless washt ubs
Nothing says “Happy anniversary!” like one of these.
The Spiritual Realm
Sweet Lord, call me on my cell!
….and let’s discuss “unlimited minutes” at your place!
Muvizu brings CGI fimmaking to the masses
Church officials have not revealed what they plan to do with the resulting fim.
Be concrete down there
Excellent advice. Satan takes a very dim view of abstract thinking.
A Better You!
Stop feeling inadequate now
And stop that sniveling, too, you worm.
Medically proven to add inches
It’s the all-butter diet.
No Pumps! No Surgery! No Exercises!
Finally–a fitness program I can stick with.
With a giant instrument you have more chance to pick up women.
A forklift, for instance, or really large tongs.
0% night failure risk Make your volcano erupt more lava Recharge your package
Hard to tell what he’s talking about. Maybe if he added a metaphor or two?
Add power to your man’s hammer
How did the volcano lava/package recharger/night failure risk guy miss this one?
Enlarging your male weapon means winning a competition.
The Self-Delusion Olympics?
Best! Drugs! Ever!
Easy to buy! We accept Visa, Codeine (the most competitive price on NET!) 7maa
However, we no longer accept American Express or Heroin.
Health problems? Forget about them with us.
We’re heading over to the opium den–want to come along?
Reputable Viagra reseller
Talk about an oxymoron!
Do not underestimate the value of free pills
Solution for lonely men
Popularly known as “beer.”
From the Files of Our Grammar Police
Asking for reasonable advise
Would you accept honest council instead?
feeling like a looser in bed? Improve your xxxlife for better
Stop improving it for worse, looser!
Forget expensive doctor’s visits
The question is, Can we get him to forget them?
New dimensions in ur work
It’s sad to be defeated by “your” after triumphing over “dimensions.”
EFL: English as a Foreign Language
I want sale you rolex.. or other grat watch . do you want?
Before you sale me, you’ll have to offer some proof of their gratness.
Where can I Canada prescription drugs online?
For some reason, I thought “England” would become a verb before “Canada” did.
You will like the quality of our soft, but moreover you will like the prices.
But meanwhile as to the quality of our hard, it is also of the utmost sell.
Purchase program Microsoft after a half price
And of course, instructions assembly detailed from each with Microsoft.
Life is full of emotions only when you are healthy.
Hence the Stoic motto, “Stay sick.”
To Men: You can do it
To Rabbits: So can you.
The most popular bag now
Everyone else bags later.
Age is no longer a barrier for me in bed
Tell it to the judge, Mr. Polanski.
Women don?t care about your money as long as your trunk is long and hard.
And it’s a good thing, because money doesn’t grow on trees.
The Imperative Voice
Get your own bot
Look, I promise I’ll give you yours back next week.
Steven Gray, raise a financially saavy teen
Will she be able to spell, too?
Brawl at kiddy league baseball
It’s a much better way to build self-esteem than picking fights in a biker bar.
Live in harmony with 2 wives
The key is to keep their husbands out of the loop.
A Little Too Concise
(from [no sender])
You mean it just appeared here spontaneously?
It’s either an insult or an untapped market.
Also available on PCWorld.com
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