Sony’s PlayStation Move motion-control system debuts today, which–weird as that sounds–makes more sense than a conventional Tuesday launch, since you now have the entire weekend to fiddle with it. Why can’t every Friday be like this?
If you don’t already have a PS3, $399.99 pays for the system with a 320GB hard drive, one PlayStation Move controller, the requisite PlayStation Eye camera, a copy of Sports Champions (table tennis, volleyball, gladiator dueling, frisbee golf, bocce, and archery), and a bonus game demo disc.
And if you already own a PS3? It’s $49.99 per controller–most games support just one, but a few benefit from two (one in each hand). And for navigation-based game, if you’d rather not hold the PS3 gamepad in your left hand, Sony’s offering a mini-controller with a thumbstick and additional buttons for $29.99.
But enough of that, I’m here to tell you why you shouldn’t buy the Move.
You love the Wii’s nunchuk-Wiimote connector cable. The Move’s navigation controller is wireless, as in “look ma, no cables.” I know, you can’t strangle anyone with a wireless connection, can’t jump rope (if you’re two feet tall), can’t pretend the nunchuk really is a nunchuk and swing it crosswise like Bruce Lee, or use it to knock stuff off high shelves in a pinch.
You hate fun. I know, some people love making fun of fun, you know, dissing it as a “lazy word” or something (“superlative” and “entertaining” are so much more descriptive). So when I say the Move is fun, I’m probably just another shiftless hack. But after playing the heck out of Sports Champions (the sand volleyball mini-game especially) I can vouch that it really is (fun), so if you hate that sort of thing–and I know some of you do–by all means, don’t buy one.
You prefer sloppy motion-control. Hey, who doesn’t? Alright, I don’t, but if you’d rather spend half your time wondering whether the point you just scored (or lost) was actual talent or just motion-tracking lag, I’m sure you can find alternatives that’ll fit the bill. Besides, how’s the Move ever going to simulate a racing game called “I’m Drunk, And No One Took My Keys!”
You’re lazy. It’s okay, nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of us are. You probably hate the Wii too. And walking.
You want to be an airline traffic controller for real, but the Move wands look nothing like traffic control sticks. If Sony was hoping to score FAA air traffic control trainer certification for the Move, they’re probably in trouble, since real traffic control wands actually resemble sawed-off lightsabers. The Move wands? More like portable plasma globes without the flickery plasma. Sorry homebrew air traffic controllers, you’ll just have to settle for Flight Control HD instead.