Bathroom Tech: From Strange to Ridiculous

Ah, the bathroom. The last bastion of privacy where one can shower, scrub, and, well, take care of business without the incessant interruptions of modern life. Although techies probably wouldn’t mind one bit if the humble water closet added a few high-tech accoutrements like these…

The Eclipse Television Mirror embeds an LCD TV behind a two-way bathroom mirror. When the TV is off, you can’t see it at all. Turn it on using the included remote and voilà! Watch “American Idol” while flossing. The 15-inch TV Mirror starts at $1326; add another $150 to $300 for the 20-inch unit.  

Tired of turning the tap on and off? This “intelligent faucet” from iHouse uses facial recognition to recognize you automatically and adjust the water temperature and flow to your tastes. The touchscreen lets you access e-mail, weather forecasts, and your daily schedule while bathing.

This sleek body scale records your weight, fat mass, and body mass index (BMI), and uploads the info to the Internet via Wi-Fi. You can chart weight variations over time via Web browser or a free iPhone app. It’s a social scale too, capable of routing your body analysis data to online communities like Facebook or Twitter–if you dare. Price: $168.

Are you a sun-worshipper with no time for a tanning salon or the great outdoors? This $11,000 tanning shower allows you to bronze your skin as you wash. Switch on specific tanning lamps to target particularly pale areas where the sun never shines. Yes, your buttocks will be sublime.

Sure, electric toothbrushes are a dime a dozen, but how many of them come with their own wireless remote? The Oral B ProfessionalCare SmartSeries 5000 has a “SmartGuide” remote that displays details on your brushing times, pressure, and other oral hygiene essentials. It doubles as a bathroom clock, too. Street-priced around $110, the rechargeable SmartSeries 5000 even alerts you when it’s time to replace the brush head.

Control your iPod via the Stocco Matre touchscreen mirror. A rectangular bathroom mirror mounted on an aluminum frame, the Stocco Matre has an integrated touch panel for accessing your music and other features, including a barometer, mirror defogger, and lighting controls.

Embarrassed by the sounds you make in a public restroom? There’s an app for that. Polygon Magic’s eco-oto plays a toilet-flushing sound for 30, 60, 90, or 120 seconds. It conserves water because you’re not flushing the toilet to mask nature’s orchestra. It costs just 99 cents in the App Store. And in case you’re wondering, “eco-oto” is an English-Japanese abbreviation for “ecological sound.”

The Japanese are the undisputed masters of toilet tech, and nowhere is their potty prowess more evident than in the Toto Neorest 550, a luxury john that plays sound effects, such as a babbling brook or waves crashing on a beach, to mask your body’s natural cacophony. Its lid opens and closes automatically, and the device even has a programmable nightlight. Price: $5460 to $6,280. Now that’s one luxurious loo.

Turn every shower into a dazzling light show. When the water is cold, the green LEDs shine. As the water warms, your shower turns blue. It goes red when things get steamy hot. The remote lets you quickly change the lighting to suit your mood. Priced at $13 on the Chinavasion electronics site, this LED shower head is color therapy on the cheap.

Headphones, digital music players, and long, luxurious baths don’t play well together, right? Not always. Euphonia, a $300 accessory for spa-maker Bain Ultra’s line of upscale tubs, is a waterproof, Bluetooth wireless headset that lets you listen to tunes while soaking. You can select BainUltra’s preprogrammed music playlist, or create your own.

Uber-hip designer Karim Rashid has designed this all-in-one TV-tub unit for the Saturn Bath Company of Korea. Soak your troubles away in this modernistic, white oval tub while catching up on “Real Housewives” of, well, wherever. The LCD TV is waterproof, naturally. I’ll bet Zoolander owns one

Bring your iPod to the steam room! The Steamist Total Sense home spa has an optional AudioSense music feature with a wall-mounted dock for your MP3 player. This professionally-installed unit includes a built-in amplifier and hidden speakers that transmit sound through the Steamist’s wall. AudioSense is priced at $1150, plus the cost of the Steamist spa and installation.

Americans have never embraced the bidet, a dismissal that hasn’t sat well with the rest of the hygienic world. After all, nothing cleans the nether regions quite like a splash of warm water. The Coco 6035 R is the Bentley of bidets with an infrared warm air dryer, deodorizer, remote control, and more. Sure, it costs $600, but think of the money you’ll save on toilet paper.

Yes, a toilet that talks! Want news, stock quotes, even your fortune? Toto Talk‘s lid moves up and down as a computerized voice speaks to you. A quote from the “Brown Nosing” feature: “Master, the way you wash your hands is so sexy.” Something tells me that Toto’s engineers need to get out more. Not a shipping product, the zany Toto Talk is on display in Tokyo’s Shiodome. Watch it talk.

What’s worse than plopping your naked bum on chilly porcelain? The UltraTouch electrically heated toilet seat uses a 12-volt sealed thermal circuit to stay 20 to 25 degrees above room temperature. It’s also treated with an antimicrobial agent to resist the growth of bacteria, fungi, molds, and mildew. Now if it would only clean itself. Prices start at $80.